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Posted on the 16th of December 16th, 2019
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You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone( Read more... )
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Posted on the 28th of August 28th, 2010
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[Warded Private]
I am not certain how I am supposed to go on. Someday, I think, I will look back at now and wonder how I, how all of us did it. How we picked up the pieces and went on to continue our lives as if the past few months had just been a most unwelcome and horrifying visitor, one who tried to kill us and defeat us and beat us down until we shut it out. I stood in my own room this morning and looked around it and thought that Adelaide had been here with me in June and here I had packed to go to war and it feels like a stranger's house.
We won.
There is somehow something in those words that can never feel triumphant, because there was too much sacrifice all around. It is a weary victory, bruised and bloodied and sore. It is a torn flag, a tear stained handkerchief. It is an empty heart and an empty home.
I want him back. I want the life I had planned on back. I want Elsie back and Adelaide and even Xenia. They are not part of the world that is left. I don't know that I like being left to overcome. It feels very hollowed out and empty and small.
I am left behind. It seems like a waste to wallow in sadness and self-doubt. I am left wanting to dig in a garden and feel the earth between my hands and the callouses on my palms or play my piano until my hands cramp and burn and I can't hear all the thoughts in my own head, or smoke a cigarette and watch the redness of the ash burn down to nothing. And then maybe somehow, feeling like I'm nothing will make sense too.
I am going to plant a garden.
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Posted on the 27th of August 27th, 2010
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[Private to Eileen]
Darling, if you need anything, please let me know? I am nearly up and about, and of course my thoughts are with you and your family.
I love you and I am so sorry about Elsie. She was a dear, sweet girl and I can only imagine how hard this must be for all of you.
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Posted on the 25th of August 25th, 2010
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[Private to Bartlett]
I thought you Hufflepuffs were supposed to be the lovey-dovey house.
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Posted on the 25th of August 25th, 2010
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Arsenius Jigger died on the battle field. I don't think he was expecting to. It happened so fast. I didn't know someone could die that fast. It seems like something that should take longer.
I probably am a hypocrite for saying this. But just now, I don't think anyone is acting any better than anyone else.
For a really long time I thought that blood mattered. But somehow when it's spilled it's all still red. And I guess that means I don't think it matters anymore.
And that still doesn't mean I like most of you. I could throw three quarters of you overboard just now.
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Posted on the 24th of August 24th, 2010
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[Private to Phineas]
I don't know where you are and no one has said yet, but if you are dead I shall never forgive you. Arsenius is gone and Elsie and Eileen and Kenneth and Effie are badly hurt, and I love you and if you are dead too I do not know that I shall be able to bear it.
I will also wear red with pink and all sorts of other horrible things because you left me and I won't have anyone to tell me how awful the combination looks anymore. So please don't be dead because those aren't really my colours. And they are horrid together.
Arsenius died. He died and I feel a bit like this should be a nightmare and yet I don't wake up.
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Posted on the 22nd of August 22nd, 2010
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[Private to Arsenius]
I wish I could see you. Even just for a little while. If we're all going to be risking our lives tomorrow, the least I would think I could be able to do is see you.
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Posted on the 13th of August 13th, 2010
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[Private to Arsenius]
I have signed us up for the talent show.
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Posted on the 10th of August 10th, 2010
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[Private to Code Cracking]
I dreamed in Gaelic last night when I finally slept and I don't even speak it other than what we need for the code.
My head hurts.
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